The First Step

I spend a lot of time hiding. It has taken 30+ years of my life to realize it, but here I am, seeing more clearly than I ever have before, watching myself run away and hide.

I have heard so many cliched statements about how difficult growth can be: The first step is the hardest, knowing is half the battle, leopard can't change his spots, etc. I don't know how beneficial these statements are, they all seem to imply a powerless condition is inevitable. I guess that much is true, but it is a perceived powerlessness, self imposed.

Having said that, it is real, nonetheless. Perhaps more real than any alternative. Perhaps the only real truth among those statements.

What I am facing, now, is the challenge of not just realizing that truth, but making the choice to NOT be powerless. But I don't want to give that up. Powerlessness is not only comfortable and safe, it requires less effort. I am talking about complacency. Complacent with a way of thinking, with a lifestyle.

So, what does it mean to be lazy? I have in front of me the tools to build a better life for myself, but don't have the ambition. Why not? Is it because I am happy? I see how other people live, have even tasted that in small doses, and I crave it still. So why hesitate? Because it would require effort I am not willing to put forth. Why? What is there to lose, and what might I gain? Logically, there is no excuse, and I am hard-pressed to come up with one. So, why?

I envy driven people, even as I recognize how that can be as detrimental as complacency. Too much drivenness and you lose sight of the reasons, too much complacency and you lose contact with the opportunities.

But rather than pity myself and wallow in envy, I wish to explore the reasons why. My mother said I was always complacent, never concerned about what clothes I wore, always ready to follow direction. I was a mild child. Until school, when my complacency was challenged. Homework was an issue. I never did it. I was content with understanding the subject and being able to adequately utilize the knowledge. I had no need to continue to process it over and over. Even now, my mind rebels at such tasks; I will sit and watch a blank wall before studying for a test, the irony being I can read a novel for several days in a row. My attention span slips through my grasp like a newly landed trout. Am I A.D.D.? A counselor in college told me no, yet a Discovery channel show tells my mother yes. Does that matter? Part of me wants it to, because it is an excuse to stop trying. While another part says it doesn't matter, I still have control, I notice I rebel against that. I don't want control, I want to let that go. I don't want the struggle, I just want to exist. I want to be happy, but I don't want to work for it. I want respect, but I don't want to earn it.

I want to grow, but I have a multitude of obstacles, and logical reasons, and cleverly imbedded habits, that play me like a mark in a confidence game. I have tools, though, tools I can use to alter those habits, and debunk those logic-arguments. Once I argued with a friend before I received these tools, and told her I already knew the secret; self-discipline is the secret. And I didn't have it. But I accepted her challenge, learned the tools, and examined myself critically. I have since drawn this conclusion: The tools can be used to find motivation, the motivation needed to use the tools. It is a self-contained loop.

My boggle is “how do I enter the loop”? Another friend tells me, “just do it!” Piece of cake, but he has self-discipline, he has motivation. He is, in fact, easily driven, so for him it is an easy switch to turn on. Self discipline may be a habitual way of thinking. Part of me hopes it is, but also dreads it, because even as habits can be learned over time, that would require enough self-discipline to instill it. That much self-discipline wouldn't require the effort.

So... is this the end of the story? Logically one cannot pick themselves up off the ground, there is no reaction without action. Or do I recognize a confidence game being played? It certainly has the tell-tale signs, and more introspection leads me to believe that, yes, this is simply another line of excuses, another twist of logic. Well done! Only... the logic seems sound. Now what?

I can hear my friend now “So you want it easy instead of hard. Why?” Seems silly to me. Why would anyone want a struggle? What is there to prove? I don't mind exploring, but I could care less who is impressed by my struggle (another con-tactic?). Ah, good observation on my part. Maybe there are plenty of con-tactics I could come up with... the meaning once I wade past all the bullshit my mind is going to place before me, the end result would be, simply... just do it. Just take the step, the step that will lead to many other steps, which will lead to all the things in life you want. Just take the step, the one which requires effort, and self-disciple, all the traits you don't have but could if you only took that step. Fine, I can take that step. I can try anything once. I can motivate myself into a frenzy and take that step! I can find the motivation, staple a picture of a better life to my forehead, load the car with inspirational cd's, and tattoo "You Rock" on my chest, backwards. I can take that first step. I can take the FUCK out of it!

Now take another.

Seems the first step isn't the hardest. Nope. The second one is.