To Dodge or Not to Dodge the Mudpuddle

Perhaps I am immature, and perhaps I am just in touch with my inner-child. You know, that innocent, playful state of being that wants to run up to someone on the street, touch them on the shoulder and yell “Tag! Your it!”, then run away.

Many folks would frown on the immaturity of this state of being, and I can certainly appreciate how overdoing it could result in some bad decision-making. But why deny yourself moments of bliss, moments of joy? Can't a person over-do maturity as well?

In my last post, I suggested we all let go of the fears and just dance. This time I wanted to offer the argument that it is not only OK to dance like nobody is watching, but OK to be silly, and laugh, and play. Embrace life. Make a silly face at your kids across the dinner table when they least expect it.

I still remember my dad making these “Whoosh!” sounds and make this sudden full-body twist like he was about to take off from the kitchen like a rocket. He never did it when mom was looking, oh no. And my sister and I would plea my mother to turn her head at that exact moment; “Mom! He did it! Your missing it!”. Mom, wasn't left out of the joke for being too serious, or to mature to acknowledge dad was doing this silly thing, I realized some time later. In fact, Mom was playing along, in her fashion, letting us believe she just never happened to see it. And she would tell us, with absolute seriousness accompanying that twinkle in her eye, that dad was certainly was NOT “whooshing” his way around the kitchen. They might not have been Laurel and Hardy, but they understood how important it is to never let go of your inner child. They allowed themselves the opportunity to play.

So when you are moving along down your chosen path, and encounter an opportunity to play, why not take it? Why not jump in the mud-puddles of life? What harm is there? And think of the joy to be had, laughing, loving, and living the life blessed to us.

Dance

“Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth.” William Purkey

How many quotes can I come up with that would convey a similar message? Dozens, hundreds... dare I suggest thousands? And why? Because it is so honest and so simple of a concept. And yet, we get have these quotes because we need constant reminders to let go.

To just let go.

Let go of the fear: the fear you will be noticed, or hurt, or fail. Let go of the doubt, and the frustration. Let go of the anxiety and worry. Let it go, and just dance.

Stop listening to the voices in your head that are telling you lies. You aren't smart? You aren't beautiful? You aren't loved? They will use you, or abuse you, or or any number of other lyrics from Annie Lennox songs? Let all of that go, and just sing. Your own words, your own passion, your own voice.

Love is a gift. Give it away free of pretense or expectation. Cherish it when you receive it, for the gift that it is, for as long as it is given. When it isn't offered anymore, let it go. You still hold a gift in your hands, in your heart, waiting to be given again.

Let go of all that which holds you back from finding your voice, and letting you love, and inspiring you to dance. Look at where you are; a Heaven or a Hell. What thoughts are keeping you there? What choices? You can choose not to dance, but think of the joy you will miss out on. You can choose not to sing, and never express your passions. You can withhold your love, and never know who will cherish it. You can hold on to a Hell of your making, or let it go, and enjoy a Heaven all around you.

Walk a mile in their shoes

I'm resentful of many people. From ex-girlfriends to the unknown cop sitting at a speed-trap, I am holding a lot of anger and frustration in my heart for these people. I can rationalize holding that anger for years and years. And in doing so, burrow that resentment into my soul like a tick burrowing into my shoulder.

A teacher once made the statement “Resentment is the poison we take hoping the other person will die”. The argument is this; resentment is MY ill-will, affecting only me. It saps my energy, keeps me in a state of unease, and negatively effects how I see the world and interact with others. The philosophy of Jesus suggests we let go of the anger and hurt we feel from the actions of others and offer them peace and love instead. In doing so, we open up a line of communication, an avenue of connection, and within ourselves a path to understanding them. Resentment, like any severe pain, can override all other stimuli; emotional pain no less so.

But my heart tells me forgiveness is an acceptance of the behavior, and a relinquishing of my boundaries. Am I expressing my integrity by allowing others to walk all over me, treating me horribly, without defending myself? Must I accept an injustice?

The short answer is “No”. The long answer is long because of the nuance. Forgiveness can have boundaries, and is most healthy when it maintains them. I can forgive an ex-girlfriend her actions, her state of mind, her humanity. I can accept the reality that she may be struggling with her own difficulties, or striving to maintain her own boundaries. I can accept I don't know everything there is to know, nor have the power to control all that doesn't suit my wishes. I can set my own boundaries, basing them on what kind of person I wish to be, and what I am willing to offer. I can question my own fears and insecurities and address them, and offer myself forgiveness for having them. I can accept my own humanity.

I want to offer love and compassion. I want to let go of fears and frustrations. I want to find and project the person I admire, the person I know I am. I believe letting go of my perceptions of reality, of the way I have colored events and people with my fears, will allow me to find the capacity for love in the face of heartbreak, and compassion in the face of perceived injustice. It will let me accept the reality that I can never know what it would be like to walk in their shoes, but that a human like me, flawed and beautiful and struggling to live life the best they know how, does.

The Scenic Route

First you notice. The saying is “Stop and smell the roses”, but what does that mean? Simply, to appreciate what is there along the journey as you travel it. I believe in this philosophy very much. And I have many anecdotes I tell which relate to that very concept; of finding myself in a memorable place, and taking the moment to fully enjoy it.

But it can be so much more. I offer using this moment of clarity to notice yourself as well. Here I am, walking along a path, beautiful roses standing tall beside me, their scent coloring the air a blissful pink. And what is going on within me? Contentment? An itch along my left thigh? A burgeoning sneeze?

When we hear that line we always imagine stopping to appreciate the finer things, the beauty around us. Such a loss, because even the ugly can have boundless merit. The homeless woman outside the convenience store, the littered fast-food carton, the ignored dog feces. Life isn't just the pretty, but the awful and unwanted as well.

While within us we can take the moment to appreciate the revulsion, the resentment, the fear that our minds automatically leap to. Why do we abhor the blaring music, avoid eye contact with the overweight woman, or fear the dangerous-looking man?

The first step is to notice, and that sets us along a path ripe with opportunity, because the second step is to locate the truth of what is around us. The roses affect my allergies, the dog feces offends my picture of how things ought to be, and the dangerous-looking man engages my fears. Within us is a tumultuous pot of emotional gumbo, churning forth bits of anxiety, love and revulsion in heaping ladle-fulls. So often we stop paying attention to the ingredients of each mouthful, believing we don't need the details to enjoy the soup.

I suggest this; take a moment to stop and look around you, and appreciate where you have arrived. While you are there, look at yourself as well. Notice the condition you have arrived in. Allow yourself to accept the truth of what you see. If all you wish to see are the flowers, the beautiful, fragrant, silky roses, then you may fail to notice the thorns. And while you are sucking your pricked finger in frustration, you can honestly ask yourself "why didn't I look closer?" In that honest answer lies the key to getting the most out of your journey.

Pain

I'm Angry.

I'm Hurt.

And I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because if I don't, who will? I can tell I am definitely in a slump. I've been here before, recognize the signs, can even see what the root cause of it is. This is because I took a seminar a while back which taught me some ways to notice, and once noticed, how to dig deep enough to find the underlying thought processes. And let me tell you it can be revealing.

I'm not sure this is making me feel better, though. Revealing something hideous can be cathartic, or it can be discouraging. But courage is a form of danger-seeking. In the seminar it is called “Testing your Edge”, akin to stepping up to the edge of a cliff and leaning over simply because you know it will make you scared, only with emotions. With anything, really. Because the concept is that we are all capable of so much, yet we hold ourselves back because of fear, and the various facets of fear. Personal history is seen like a path full of perils we faced, and the road ahead as a collection of fears based on experience. But we can overcome those fears. We may need some guidance, but we can. Everyone can.

So what is my fear? Value. I am old enough that I have a full path behind me so far, lots of rejection, lots of failures. Many points in my life I didn't live up to expectation, mine or others. Many times I set my expectations high enough that failure was inevitable.

I think I am leading myself to a particular pain from my past, one where I see only failure on my part. I was horrible in school. I am a clever learner, meaning I am smart enough to get a concept quickly. I sucked in knowledge like a sponge, and am still quite adept at maintaining a degree of understanding on par with my doctorate wielding friends. But I didn't put any effort into my education. I didn't complete homework, I acted out in class, I was distracted. And though I could pass a test with the highest marks in school, I would fail the course from lack of practical participation. And I never exhibited a drive to improve. I went to community college, but the same habits appeared, so I failed. I spoke highly of my goals, but never set out to reach them in earnest.

So, in admitting to all this I must come back around to why I am angry and hurt. That is because of a woman who rejected me. And because of my new found powers of introspection I can see I wasn't good enough. I am hurt because I have no hope for that relationship, and angry because of that powerlessness. But more than those things, I feel defeated because I blew the chance myself. I know it was my lack of effort that lead to my failure. And knowing that means so very little in the context because I still cannot change any of it.

I can try to paint it all in some rosy picture of self discovery and bright future, but I am not convincing myself this time. Flying requires more than just happy thoughts, it requires effort and that means discipline, and I have never exhibited that.