Pain

I'm Angry.

I'm Hurt.

And I'm feeling sorry for myself. Because if I don't, who will? I can tell I am definitely in a slump. I've been here before, recognize the signs, can even see what the root cause of it is. This is because I took a seminar a while back which taught me some ways to notice, and once noticed, how to dig deep enough to find the underlying thought processes. And let me tell you it can be revealing.

I'm not sure this is making me feel better, though. Revealing something hideous can be cathartic, or it can be discouraging. But courage is a form of danger-seeking. In the seminar it is called “Testing your Edge”, akin to stepping up to the edge of a cliff and leaning over simply because you know it will make you scared, only with emotions. With anything, really. Because the concept is that we are all capable of so much, yet we hold ourselves back because of fear, and the various facets of fear. Personal history is seen like a path full of perils we faced, and the road ahead as a collection of fears based on experience. But we can overcome those fears. We may need some guidance, but we can. Everyone can.

So what is my fear? Value. I am old enough that I have a full path behind me so far, lots of rejection, lots of failures. Many points in my life I didn't live up to expectation, mine or others. Many times I set my expectations high enough that failure was inevitable.

I think I am leading myself to a particular pain from my past, one where I see only failure on my part. I was horrible in school. I am a clever learner, meaning I am smart enough to get a concept quickly. I sucked in knowledge like a sponge, and am still quite adept at maintaining a degree of understanding on par with my doctorate wielding friends. But I didn't put any effort into my education. I didn't complete homework, I acted out in class, I was distracted. And though I could pass a test with the highest marks in school, I would fail the course from lack of practical participation. And I never exhibited a drive to improve. I went to community college, but the same habits appeared, so I failed. I spoke highly of my goals, but never set out to reach them in earnest.

So, in admitting to all this I must come back around to why I am angry and hurt. That is because of a woman who rejected me. And because of my new found powers of introspection I can see I wasn't good enough. I am hurt because I have no hope for that relationship, and angry because of that powerlessness. But more than those things, I feel defeated because I blew the chance myself. I know it was my lack of effort that lead to my failure. And knowing that means so very little in the context because I still cannot change any of it.

I can try to paint it all in some rosy picture of self discovery and bright future, but I am not convincing myself this time. Flying requires more than just happy thoughts, it requires effort and that means discipline, and I have never exhibited that.