Walk a mile in their shoes

I'm resentful of many people. From ex-girlfriends to the unknown cop sitting at a speed-trap, I am holding a lot of anger and frustration in my heart for these people. I can rationalize holding that anger for years and years. And in doing so, burrow that resentment into my soul like a tick burrowing into my shoulder.

A teacher once made the statement “Resentment is the poison we take hoping the other person will die”. The argument is this; resentment is MY ill-will, affecting only me. It saps my energy, keeps me in a state of unease, and negatively effects how I see the world and interact with others. The philosophy of Jesus suggests we let go of the anger and hurt we feel from the actions of others and offer them peace and love instead. In doing so, we open up a line of communication, an avenue of connection, and within ourselves a path to understanding them. Resentment, like any severe pain, can override all other stimuli; emotional pain no less so.

But my heart tells me forgiveness is an acceptance of the behavior, and a relinquishing of my boundaries. Am I expressing my integrity by allowing others to walk all over me, treating me horribly, without defending myself? Must I accept an injustice?

The short answer is “No”. The long answer is long because of the nuance. Forgiveness can have boundaries, and is most healthy when it maintains them. I can forgive an ex-girlfriend her actions, her state of mind, her humanity. I can accept the reality that she may be struggling with her own difficulties, or striving to maintain her own boundaries. I can accept I don't know everything there is to know, nor have the power to control all that doesn't suit my wishes. I can set my own boundaries, basing them on what kind of person I wish to be, and what I am willing to offer. I can question my own fears and insecurities and address them, and offer myself forgiveness for having them. I can accept my own humanity.

I want to offer love and compassion. I want to let go of fears and frustrations. I want to find and project the person I admire, the person I know I am. I believe letting go of my perceptions of reality, of the way I have colored events and people with my fears, will allow me to find the capacity for love in the face of heartbreak, and compassion in the face of perceived injustice. It will let me accept the reality that I can never know what it would be like to walk in their shoes, but that a human like me, flawed and beautiful and struggling to live life the best they know how, does.