“Who knows where the cold wind blows?
I ask my friends, and nobody knows.
Who am I to believe in love?
O-o-oh, love ain't no stranger.”
When I stop and reflect on that verse I tend to think, WTF? What the heck does that mean? That doesn't make any sense at all! Gawd! Whitesnake sucks!
So I pop in a movie and watch it instead. Movies offer me more. I get the complete package; compelling story, epic sounds and stirring music, lovingly crafted characters and an overall artistic rendering that can be seen as a whole, or micro-analyzed, and loved. Or hated. Which brings me to my first movie review.
“In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Story", came out in early 2008. It looked pretty fun, as per the trailer. But that is the job of the trailer, isn't it; to convince enough people to go watch a movie in it's opening week that the cost to make it is hopefully recovered? And this trailer did what it could, gentle readers. It did all it possibly could.
Just like the actors. There are some names in this cast which will stand out for you: Jason Stratham, John Rhys-Davies, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman, LeeLee Sobieski, Claire Forlani, Matthew Lillard... all of whom have some pretty impressive careers behind them. This vehicle, however, was beyond their impressive abilities and experience. The unexplainable mix and awkward chemistry of these actors feels more like a casting director calling in all the favors he was owed in one desperate push. The script was... well, let me tell you the story first. Allow me to tell you the plot, first, because I believe you will know the script shortly afterward.
Plot: Savage human/animal army is invading a kingdom, lead by an evil sorcerer from his dark lair. He has seduced the nephew of the king with promises of power, and the daughter of his arch-rival the King's Magus with promises of love. The evil army's first stop on the road to the castle is the small town of Stonebridge, where they kill the son of , and kidnap the wife of, “Farmer”, who has no other name because he has no parents and lives now as a, well, a farmer. Farmer is determined to get his family back, and though he has no love for the King, discovers along the way he really is the long-lost illegitimate prince. When people are pitching this to their producers over pricey brunches and say things like “it practically writes itself” they aren't exaggerating; after having been told so many times, there is no original way left to tell it. Oh, here is an unexpected twist; Farmer is a master with the Boomerang. Bet you didn't see that one coming.
So, now you've read the script (make up any tripe in your head, and as long as it doesn't shoot really far off the mark and can be brought back around somehow, like the toss of a boomerang, then you will be fairly close to the document the actors were handed.), all you need is a hook. Uwe Boll already has that covered. This movie is based on a video game, Dungeon Siege, which was an uninspiring RPG that didn't offer much innovation to a market already saturated by the fantasy genre. There are games that stand out as having achieved greatness and would acquire places of honor in a gaming hall of fame, but Dungeon Siege isn't one of those games. Does that mean it doesn't warrant a film based on its, uh, inspiration? Well, I will just say that it got what it deserved, and leave it at that.
Uwe Boll deserves recognition. Not many people can take a bad script and unoriginal story, and make it worst than the sum of its parts so effectively. And I place the blame for the mediocrity of this film completely on his shoulders. The actors do their best to rise from the mire of this script. Burt as the King is struggling to find his regal bearing, John is only a glance away from the misplaced camera's be convince us of his mystic power, And Ray Liotta is always just about to let his captivating smile and piercing eyes do the talking, but the cinematography is horrible and each scene is cut far too soon. Claire Forlani and Jason Stratham have a touching moment early in the movie, where his rough exterior is being gently prodded by her passionate love for him; just as we are beginning to fall in love with these characters ourselves, the scene is brutally cut, and we are left with precious little to carry us through the rest of the movie. Farmer's rag-tag group of friends he has enlisted to follow him to hell and back (I assume you already deduced he had one) show the signs of rib-poking fun all battle-hardened warriors share with each other, but each instance feels like it was slotted in afterwards, as though Uwe didn't come up with the idea until late in the shoot and wanted to splice them in whenever he found a spot. The run-time on certain scenes feels like it was determined using a dart-board, and the person in charge of continuity showed up late to the editing party, still hung over from the wrap-party. Uwe was the director, and ultimately it was his decision to carry on with a tired script, poor camera placement in nearly every scene, and editing that was done using a paper-shredder. It was his decision, and he deserves the blame for this movie
[Spoiler Alert] The movie does end, and I for one, was grateful for that.
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